My Thoughtful Spot

too damn easy

Over the last year, I've been up and down with my activity on blogs, mine as well as others. I've often resorted to my google reader, which I love. It automatically tells me when someone whom I follow makes a new post. I click on the title of the blog, and the new post magically pops up in another window on the same page. No extra open windows crowding my neat computer desktop.

But it makes it easy just to read and move on. Too easy. I've commented on people's blogs less and less because of the reader. Not because I don't like them anymore or I don't have anything to say, but because it's so easy just to move onto the next bold blog title in the list on the left hand side of the screen.

I'm going to change that. If I read a blog entry, I should click the link to open the blog's window. Most blogs have counters and me cheating like that really messes up those counters. They become inaccurate because they don't count that I've actually read the blog entry when I don't comment. And I really should try to comment more. I almost always have something to say or respond to when I read an entry. Who doesn't like getting comments on their blog? Right. No one.

So, thanks, Google reader, for helping to keep the blogs I follow organized. In the future, I'll be using you less like a pair of crutches. I'm advancing to a walker.

Love,
Nichole

cheesy good

I've decided to start a new blog. Well, typepad has decided to call it a microblog. Somewhere in between formal blogging and facebook/twitter.

Crazy shit happens all the time, and sometimes, I'm smart enough to whip out my cell and snap a pic. (We all know I'm not good with a traditional camera. Carrying it around, uploading the images, organizing, etc.) I've been looking for a place to put all these things. I don't twitter because it stresses me out. Facebook doesn't seem to be the right venue; life isn't always appropriate, you know?

So I introduce to you: Cheesy Good. You'll also find a link to it in the bar beneath the banner. I would be honored if you would add this blog to your reader, too. If you happen to think something is funny or cool or you wanna share with your readers, there's a cool "reblog" button. I think it's kind of like a retweet, but for blogs.

Please click on over. I hope you're amused.

blogging update

I've been working in my current situation for seven months now. There are a lot of issues in that office. A LOT. So many that I may not be working there after September.

One of the (more minor) issues is that they have installed what is essentially web spyware on our computers along with a blocking of a large number of sites. The bullsh*t exucse for this new software? HIPPA. If we had unfettered access to the internet, someone could hack into our tiny office and start going through our electronic medical records. Nevermind that there are boxes of documents "to-be-shredded" that is not locked and that anyone who looks over the counter can see the contents of. Nevermind that the few remaining paper charts are in unlocked cabinets because our brilliant office manager lost the keys. Nevermind that people leave sensitive documents all over their desks when they leave for the day. Nope. The biggest HIPPA threat in that office comes from some unknown hacker who wants to look at our EMR.

Well, I'm not an idiot. The owner wants to have control over where we go and wants to know what we are trying to look at. Every month a report is generated and given to the employer and office manager about the sites that we try to access. Even if we try to access it and it ends up being blocked, they know we tried.

In the beginning, I didn't even have webmail access. I insisted and have at least that. But all this spying means that I cannot blog from work, I cannot read other people's blogs except on a reader (which means no commenting), I can't find out when the next Angels game (to which I have tickets) starts, I can't research restaurants in the area... on and on and on.

When I get home at night, I try to catch up and do my blogging and comment on everyone else's blogs. But if I'm not going to a meeting, I need to spend time with Daniel.

So there you have it. My long excuse apology about why I have been a less than reliable blogger and an even worse commenter. It'll all be better after September, no matter where I end up.

BlogSecret

A few weeks ago, Nilsa had an amazing idea. And like all amazing ideas, it spread like wildfire. It spread far beyond her wildest dreams to include nearly 80 different bloggers. Here, in a nutshell, is what we're doing:

We all have secrets. And some people choose not to post certain secrets on their blog or things they'd rather not have their name attached to. So Nilsa gathered up all of our secrets, mixed 'em up, and re-distributed them to be posted on someone else's blog. And today is the day that, anonymously, a few more secrets enter the world's consciousness. If you'd like to read more than the one I was given to post, check out Nilsa's blog. There's she's listed every blog that is participating in BlogSecret '08. Hope you're not busy today; there are a lot of secrets to read!

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He is the love of my life - the one I'm going to marry, the one I will start a family with, the one I will be with until the end.  He is the one who knows all of my secrets, who has seen me at my worst, who has offered his support through the good and the bad.  He is my everything.  Those who know us always mention how we are the perfect couple.  Both singles and other couples love spending time with us because our charm rubs off on everyone.  We make other people happy and have been told multiple times that we inspire hope in others - hope that they will find their perfect someones and that they will have long-lasting, loving relationships.  We complement each other in a way I've never felt before; he truly is my other half.

Four years ago, I cheated on him.  

It was a three-month affair with a co-worker.  It was all about sex and partying.  It was flashback to my younger years - the time before I met my love, before we moved in together, before I saw my future mapped out in someone's eyes.  It was so easy to fall into because I forced myself to compartmentalize everything in my mind.  Co-worker had nothing to do with my love.  Co-worker just happened to be someone I had sex with in my office, in my car, or in his apartment.  Co-worker was simply an accessory that I only used when I felt the urge.  He didn't infiltrate any other part of my life.

He happened to call me one day when I was at co-worker's apartment.  We had just finished having sex, and had ordered a pizza.  Co-worker was lounging contentedly on the couch and I was rummaging through my bag when my phone rang.  I didn't think about what I was doing and answered it.  It was my love.  He always knows when I'm lying and that instance was no exception.  I quickly threw on my clothes, ran out of co-worker's apartment, and arrived home to find my love sitting on our couch in stunned silence.

He eventually told me that I broke his heart.   He threatened to commit suicide.  He called me a bitch.  He said he couldn't stand to look at me, but he also couldn't stand to be without me.  He spent three weeks sleeping in the other room because he didn't want to accidentally touch me while he was asleep.  He wasn't sure if he could ever trust me again.

****************

It took us a long time to rebuild our relationship, but we did.  I would never say that I'm glad things happened the way they did (it was horrible experience that I wouldn't wish on anyone), but we've come out on a better end - we're stronger now than we were four years ago.  Things are more raw and honest - for better or worse.

Where does the secret fit into this story?  Well, obviously, there was the secret that my love was never meant to know - but that's not the real secret.  The real secret is the one I keep from my best friend - this story. She doesn't know what happened.  She has no idea that I cheated on him or that we were so close to ending everything because of my selfishness.  She doesn't know how hard we had to work to put us back together or how much I've tortured myself as a punishment for hurting him.  She knew we were having issues, but I couldn't bring myself to tell her the real reason why.  Every time I was on the brink of telling her, all I could see was the memory of me comforting her six year before when she found out that her first husband had slept with a mutual friend of theirs.  I saw her through her ugly divorce and the bitterness.  I couldn't bring myself to admit to her that I was just like her husband.  I had broken my love's heart.

He has forgiven me, but I don't know if I can ever completely forgive myself.