My Thoughtful Spot

zombies ahead

If you've spent even a little time with us, you'll know that Daniel is very much into all things apocalypse-related. This started when he was a kid in the Northeast, back when the Cold War was going strong and they had school drills in case there was a nuclear attack. As an only child, he would play fallout shelter in his grandparent's basement, surrounded by shelves filled with canned foods and a tiny window letting a little bit of daylight in.

Fortunately for the world, the Cold War ended (there may be something else brewing now, though). Once the threat of a nuclear attack was gone, what else was left to bring about an apocalyptic world? Zombies, naturally.

Nearly every zombie movie ever made is about the near annihilation of mankind; only those who were a good shot and very resourceful ever survived an infestation. It was only natural for Daniel to transfer his apocalyptic fascination to another genre. In fact, there is a whole zombie subculture out there. We own a copy of The Zombie Survival Guide: Complete Protection from the Living Dead, World War Z, and Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, just to name a few. I'm not even going to mention our zombie movies.

Oh, it goes far beyond the reading of books and the watching of movies. I am now a fan of zombies. Daniel successfully converted my brother (Steven) to like zombies. He has a friend with whom he must watch all zombie movies for the first time (it was from her we received The Zombie Survival Guide.)

It even goes beyond that. My brother and Daniel will frequently have conversations about when to evacuate and when to hold your ground, take up strategic positions on a roof, and shoot at the undead. And whether or not to shoot twice in the head, the "double tap," to ensure the brain was damaged enough to destroy the brain.

Apparently one of these other zombie nuts hacked into one of those electric signs the road workers use to let you know a lane is closed. They might read something like "THIS RAMP CLOSED 11P-6A ON 8/15." It was changed to read "ZOMBIES AHEAD." Daniel sent me an email with a photo of the sign and a simple question: "What would you do if you saw this sign on the way to work?" My answer was: "Turn around, go home, and load the shotgun."

Once we had to temporarily move to another apartment while they remodeled our kitchen, bathrooms, and changed the flooring. While we were in the temporary apartment, there was an hour long discussion between Daniel and Steve about how the temporary apartment is less zombie-defensible than our original apartment (due to placement of windows) and how to best defend the temporary one in case of an attack.

So I guess it goes without saying that we're all really excited about "Zombieland" being released in the theaters tomorrow. We won't be able to watch it this weekend, but, trust me, we WILL watch it. I hope the undead never take over the earth. But if they do, we'll be ready. And don't you all come running to our bunker unless you're adequately armed and have extra ammo. ;-)

thanksgiving weekend recap

We had a really busy, but amazingly fun Thanksgiving weekend. It all started Wednesday when my mom arrived. The poor thing got stuck in traffic over the grapevine and a 4 hour drive turned into a 6 hour one in the middle of southern California rush hour. I got her all settled into her hotel room and then she hung out at our place for the rest of the evening. Daniel had already started cooking for Thursday, but he had to suspend his efforts to pick up Dawn from the airport.

All of us had been practically fasting in preparation for the insane amount of food Daniel was serving. We had little to no breakfast, no lunch, and were good and hungry by the time the appetizers rolled out at 2:00. Daniel does something different every year with perhaps one or two dishes held over from previous years because they are favorites. Here is the menu, entitled "Over the Top":

• Foie gras toasts with sauternes gelee
• Pecan and goat-cheese marbles
• Raspberry vodka cocktails

• Roast turkey with black-truffle butter and white-wine gravy
• Chestnut, leek and apple stuffing 
• Cranberry, quince, and pearl onion compote
• Parsnip puree with sauteed brussels sprouts leaves
• Roasted sweet-potato rounds with garlic oil and fried sage

• Pumpkin and brown sugar creme brulee

I was in such a food coma after that... my memories of the day are pretty sketchy. I do remember that Dawn and I narrowly squeaked out a win in Cranium. The rest is a blur.

Friday was pretty full. I really wanted to go see what awesome deals I could get in the malls, but our only car was in serious need of brake work. Daniel got up early and took in to the mechanic for new brakes, shocks, etc. Then we had to take the ottoman Athalia's scratching post in to get re-upholstered. By the time Dawn, Steven, and I braved the stores, it was after noon. But there were still some great deals! The best deals of the day was a $30 wreath for $10 and a 7" portable DVD player for $50. I was also pretty insistent on getting our Christmas tree, so after we had Thanksgiving dinner redeux, we went out and picked the tree, brought it home, and put it in the stand.

Saturday Dawn, Daniel and I went to Disneyland. Dawn has been here for several Christmases, but we've always been too busy doing homey Christmas things that we never got out to the park. So we managed to get out there this past weekend so she could see all the decorations, the parade, and the fireworks. See her blog for photos (but later, she got sick).

By the time Sunday morning rolled around, Dawn was feeling horrible and in bed. We had only planned to decorate the tree (only the lights got up) and go to church, but Daniel and I felt so bad for her. And yet she managed to fly the red-eye back home and get through most of a day at work. I'm so glad she came out, but wish she hadn't gotten sick!

Just that one long weekend demonstrated so much of what I have to be thankful for. 

old friend

I've been such a bad blogger lately, I forgot to update you on my meeting with my friend from med school! Many thanks to Rebecca for reminding me in a recent comment.

One of the last times we saw each other, I was touched by how upset she was. She was worried that we'd all move away and change and never talk to each other again. Daniel and I tried over and over to console her with words; tell her that our friendship was stronger than that. But she was seemingly inconsolable. Then, Daniel drew a picture of a key on a cocktail napkin with a note that said, "This is the key to our future home in California. You are welcome any time, without notice or invitation." This did the trick.

We met at her hotel in downtown LA, which is dead on the weekend. Her back was turned to me as I  approached, so I said, "Hey, stranger. Know a good place for brunch?" She turned around and gave me a huge hug! Four years of residency, a divorce, and the death of her sister were not enough to etch a single wrinkle on her face -- she was stunning as usual.

So we drove over to Beverly Hills for a spectacular brunch at the Belvedere restaurant at the Penninsula Hotel. The three of us enjoyed hours of catching up, fantastic food, and endless glasses of champagne. We talked like only five days were between med school and now, not five years. We talked about everything: politics (upon which we don't agree), personal stuff, medicine, and so much more.

Her flight was supposed to be at 3pm from LAX, but as the time that we needed to take her over there approached, she kept saying that she didn't want to go so soon. We, of course, offered that she stay with us overnight and she could fly back home the next day. She readily agreed.

On the drive back to Orange County, she said, "I want you guys to know I still have that cocktail napkin with the picture of the key on it."

She has a real key now, but I hope she still keeps the paper one.

how much?

This weekend, I'll be meeting up with a friend from medical school. I'm very excited to see her; she's one of a group of six girls I hung out with during my four years there. I only really keep in touch with two of them.

Yes, I'm excited. But I'm also a little bit nervous. I've been through a five year surgical residency. That's bound to change a person. What if I'm not the same person she was friends with back then? What if she doesn't like the me that I am now?

She's been through a four year OB/Gyn residency. She's had major changes in her life, too. She sounds just as sweet on the phone, but what has residency done to her and her life?

I wonder how long I'll have to be out of residency for the ripple effect it has on my life to stop.

working and entertaining

Right. So it's pretty obvious that I haven't been posting or reading anyone else's blogs much recently. My excuse is two-fold. Please allow me to present my case.

1. I'm still trying to find my rhythm at my new job. It's great and I'm much more relaxed than I ever was in residency. But when I'm there, I have little to no down time. I have even less down time than when I was a resident. I mean, if you think about it, in a 24 hour on call shift, there will usually be at least a few hours when you can sleep. But often I would just screw around on the computer because if I fell asleep I was less able to make rapid decisions. Since I don't do anymore 24 hour in-house call (WOO HOO!!), less down-time.

2. I've been busy being a hostess. Which I totally love. First it was my dear friend Dawn for a week. If I wasn't busy freaking out about my first week of work, we were out doing something fun! The best was going out for sushi (where Dawn adeptly used chopsticks for the first time). Then a day to tidy up and go to a movie premiere (more on this later). Then Friday, an exhausting operating room schedule, and home to arrive before my mom's arrival for the weekend. We crammed so much stuff into 48 hours, even I was impressed. Me! The queen of time cramming! Go to the gym, have breakfast/snack, buy a new Macbook and iPod, wine tasting, Angels game, church, shop for my niece's birthday, wrap presents, go to range, eat dinner.

Yes, you read that right. New toys. Last week I also got my signing bonus. After putting 50% of that aside for taxes that will need to be paid next April (and getting over the nausea/vomiting induced by losing 50% of my bonus to the government), I went and bought my first ever laptop! And I also got an iPod touch! I really can't decide which I am more excited about. I love them both. I have a bit left, so I'm considering buying the Time Machine to go with my Macbook. The whole thing is marketed on the idea that it backs up all your files automatically, no thinking required. Sounds good to me. Does anyone have this? Yay or nay?

I really hope my new computer will allow me to update more regularly, since it's becoming clear that I can't do it from work like I have. Cuz I sure miss you all!

back in the saddle again

Oh my. I just read the post Dawn did for me in my absence and I'm speechless. So all I can do is to thank her profusely and be grateful that I have such a great friend -- all by virtue of a blog.

My week away from home was quite an adventure. In addition to the board review course and the new friends I made there, I also solidified a blossoming friendship with Nilsa and Mega, and met Princess Pointful for the first time. Nilsa and Mega live in the area, but PP was actually in from out of town for business like me. Completely random that we were both there at the same time and knew the same bloggers... Anyway, we met up last Tuesday at a Cuban restaurant and had some great discussions. I didn't get to see much of Chicago because the course was so time consuming and not downtown, so I have decided that I'm going to go back for a more touristy trip at some point.

Onto the course, which is where I spent nearly all of my time. I was concerned about meeting people. Not because I'm shy about that sort of thing, but because, by and large, surgeons are weird. They tend to be a bit aggressive and don't trust each other. Plus, most of them come to the table with a half empty toolbox of social skills; a natural outgrowth of having to do so much studying just to get where they are.

Usually the "odd" personalities in a seminar like this come out pretty early. They're the frequent question-askers, the people who talk during class, the terd who feels he has to pimp the lecturer just to prove how smart he his.

After the first day of lectures ended at 6pm, all I could think of doing was getting back to my room and possibly stopping by the hotel bar for a beer. My brain was full, I was tired of sitting, and needed to decompress. As I was making a bee-line for the door, the freqent question-asker came up to me. In his hand was a gold toe ring with the Celtic claddagh design on it.

"Excuse me, I found this on the ground near where you were standing on a break. I notice you're wearing sandals and was just wondering if this was yours."

I looked blankly at the toe ring without an owner, squinched up my face and said, "EW! No!"

At that point, he, too, realized that his hand was touching someone else's toe germs, said he had to go off to scrub his hands. "What should I do with it?" he asked as he walked toward the elevator to his room.

"I don't know, but I would try to touch it as little as possible."

The next morning, he was conspicuously sitting next to the spot I had occupied the day before. Ok. Sure. This could be amusing. I sat down, and he introduced himself a little more formally. Then he continued the saga of the toe ring. He couldn't bring himself to throw it away; what if it had senimental value to someone? So he scooped it into an envelope, washed his hands again, and turned it into lost and found at the front desk. Turns out someone had been asking for it... several times, in fact.

Two or three hours later, he continues, there was a knock at his hotel room door. He opened it to a young French girl. She is the owner of the toe ring and came to thank him. She was a foot model, here for a photo shoot. She was given the toe ring to "practice" with and was terrifed what would happen when her superiors found out she lost it. She was so relieved to have gotten it back that she began to offer him money... as a reward. He couldn't accept money, he explains, he was just happy to have been able to help.

But she insists. And they have a long conversation. Does he know anyone who would like to get into the foot or hand modeling business? She would hook them up with the necessary paperwork and connections. After all, it's good money -- $1,000/hr. Actually, he says, my girlfriend might be interested and there is this girl with nice feet at the conference I'm attending...

I was briefly amused at the Seinfeldian course his story had taken. But my amusement quickly turned to annoyance when he consistently talked to me during lectures, passed me notes on subject matter that they were neglecting to cover, and kept subconsciously scooting his chair closer and closer towards mine. He was a space invader. I would have moved, but I felt bad for him; his surgical career ended before it started because he developed a neurological problem that prevented him from operating. He kept asking me if his questions were too many, if what he was wearing was ok, and that he usually has his sisters to keep him in line. It was plain to see that he had poor self esteem. Sure, I could have moved, but there were no open seats. And by the time the third day came around, it would have been obvious that I was moving to get away from him. So I stuck it out. And put my bag in the space between us as a border. During the course of our conversations, I mentioned that I have patrolled the border between the US and Mexico and that my bag represented the broken fence that exists in real life. That helped.

When Dawn Met Nichole

This post brought to you by Dawn, which is not nearly the same as Nichole, but is hopefully better than no Nichole posts for a week while she is in Chicago.

In honor of this event, I thought I would share my own first time meeting Nichole. I can't believe it was over two years ago now, and yet Nichole is the kind of person you meet for the first time feeling like you've always known her.

It's funny, I don't remember who visited whose blog first, but I remember the first comment I left for her; it was like every other first comment I've left on a blog. I was a little nervous, hoping I wasn't intruding on someone else's private party, looking like a total dork. I couldn't help it though. Something drew me in, and not just the fact that we cheer for the same baseball team. She just comes across as so genuine. We traded a few comments back and forth on our respective blogs, and before I knew it, we were "regulars".

I can't pinpoint a specific date, but it was revealed that Nichole and Daniel would be vacationing at Disney World that coming May. We chatted a bit about the possibility of meeting up while they were there, but to be honest, I wasn't sure it would happen. A few people had casually mentioned a meet-and-greet at Disney in the past, but vacations are busy, especially vacations at the House of Mouse -- either that or I really am a huge dork! -- but none had actually panned out. Much to my surprise though, as their vacation approached, a solid date was made: we would meet up at ESPN Club at Disney's Boardwalk to catch the Sox-Yankees game one evening and then spend a day in the parks on Saturday.

I was excited but a little apprehensive. I had some major... issues going on in my world at the time, some of which really affected my confidence. But the days marched by and we counted down with anticipation until finally it was the appointed day. I hadn't had the world's best day at work, I was tired and feeling mildly under the weather, but I stopped at home and collected my, errr, "baggage" and off we went to watch the Sox with RSN-West.

I remember walking down the steps that lead to the Boardwalk. I was as nervous as if I were going on a first date. Would they like me? Would we get along as well in person as we did online? Would we have anything to talk about or would the evening be filled with awkward silence? Heck, would I even recognize her?! I tend to be a bit on the shy side when it comes to meeting new people, but I'm ok in small groups. My anxiousness was born entirely of hoping this would go well, because I so enjoyed her online buddy-ship.

Step. Step. Step. I could practically hear my footsteps ticking down the dwindling distance between the Flying Fish at the corner of the Boardwalk and my destination.

And out of nowhere burst Nichole. I found myself caught up in a huge hug, only two-thirds of the way to the front door of the ESPN Club. To this day, I still don't know how she was able to pick an almost complete stranger out of the crowd from that distance. But she did and immediately, I felt as if I were greeting an old pal.

For reasons I won't go into here, that evening was not all that it could have been, but still left me looking forward to our next plans, and two days later as we ate breakfast with Pooh and friends, and then spent the day playing our way through Epcot, me without any baggage and much more at ease, I couldn't help but feel like I was spending the day with old friends.

We talked and laughed and shared stories. And that's just how it is being around Nichole: She's just as warm and friendly in person as she seems on her blog or when she visits yours. She is funny and engaging. She truly brings any environment to life around her. Some people just have that gift and it doesn't matter where she is, she can draw you in and make you feel like you're someone worth knowing, someone worth *her* time and attention.

I will never forget that feeling of ambivalence that I felt, not due in any part to Nichole, but some personal circumstances, and how close I came to "calling out sick" that day. And every day, I thank my lucky stars that I listened to that internal pull to meet this "Nichole" in person. I had no idea I was walking into one of my very best friendships that day, and like she has since that Thursday evening in May, more days than not Nichole meets me two-thirds of the way and pulls me outside my usual tentative comfort zone on some adventure, whether in person or in spirit or in conversation. She is in so many ways my polar opposite, but all in ways that complement my quiet and reserved demeanor.

If a single one of you ever gets the opportunity to meet up with Nichole, all I can do is urge you to jump on that chance. There is not a single day I regret seizing that opportunity myself and I believe that you, like me, will walk away better for knowing her.

gift for a surgeon?

As I may have mentioned before, I'm not the cook in our house. I could argue for title as baker, but for as much baking that goes on around here, that title holds little meaning. Now that I have more time, I thought I'd take more responsibility for my own lunches and make them myself instead of having Daniel make them or buying them pre-made.

This morning when I came home from my yoga class, Daniel was just getting ready to leave for work. I decided that my lunch was going to be a pasta salad with chicken, chick peas, stewed tomatoes, and artichoke hearts. The last three ingredients are easy; all accessible in a can or jar. Any idiot can make pasta, so I was pretty safe there. But grilling chicken? Uh... that would require me to do some cooking. Better ask for help when I have the chance.

Daniel got me going and I cooked the chicken on a little fry pan with just a touch of olive oil. Before I went to flip it over, he warned me that the little oil I used could spatter and suggest I put on an apron. The chicken was done and Daniel could safely leave for work. I walked him to the door, gave him a little kiss, and told him to have a good day. It was very June Cleaver of me, I must say.

This got me to thinking: I've been racking my brains trying to come up with a graduation present for one of my friends who just completed her plastic surgery residency. She's adventurous, stunning, funny, and fashionable. Not domestic. Everything I thought of was either too expensive or just not clever enough. Then I had my Donna Reed moment. Problem solved -- she's getting an apron.

Now which apron? Here's where you come in. If there is no picture, please click on the link. For some reason I wasn't able to get a picture of those ones.

#1

#2

#3

#4

#5

#6

blue seashell #7

polka dot ruffle #8

red and white #9

I think my favorites are the pink cowgirl (#4) and the leopard halter (#5).

literary friends

When I was younger, and before I started on this journey to becoming a surgeon, I loved to read. I always tried to get a good mix of things in my hands and would often alternate between a "classic" and "brain candy." Sometimes the classics would be difficult to get through, but I would do it becuase I thought I was somehow expanding my mind and becoming a more well-rounded person. But more often than not, the classics ended up being my favorites.

Some of the stories I was most drawn to centered around friendships. To borrow a phrase from Anne (of Anne of Green Gables), a bosom friend. Jane Eyre, Elizabeth in Pride and Prejudice, and probably dozens more that are locked away in my subconsicous all had such relationships.

For years, I've wondered why I haven't had a bosom friend. What is it about me that makes me incapable of having one?

While I am by no means a perfect friend and have character flaws that probably impede such a relationship for any significant length of time, I came to realize something last night. In today's world, opportunities for the kinds of friendships that I read about are much fewer than they were in the 1800s. Back then, you were part of a smaller community. As girls, you had adventures together. As young women, you had affairs of the heart and families to talk about. In the evening, you played cards, read, played the piano, or engaged in some witty conversation. No dozens upon dozens of hobbies to pass the time. More often than not, there were limited numbers of people from which to choose. Your contemporaries were either your friends or your mortal enemies. Similarly, the lack of ability to have friends was a marker that you were a damaged person, much like the little temptress in Great Expectations.

We don't all live within a few miles of each other. We have the opportunity to have many different kinds of interests, which not everyone likes or cares about. We also have a much wider pool of people availble for friend-making. The natural evolution of that is to have friends that fill various roles. This is my shopping friend. That is my scrapbooking friend. And so on.

Much like playing with Barbies can skew a girl's perception of what a normal body looks like, perhaps these books may have given me an erroneous impression of what friendship is like in real life. I will likey never have a literary friend like Anne did, both because of internal and external factors. The death of that possiblity makes me sad.

Edited to add a few more thoughts. After I hit save, I had a few more ideas.

about m&m's

No, I don't mean the candy. I mean our weekly Morbidity & Mortality Conference, which we affectionately call M&M. It's a mandatory conference that involves the entire department of surgery. On this morning, the operating room schedule is pushed back so all can attend. Faculty come in from the community to hear what's going on at an academic institution, medical students come in, and even members from other departments like anesthesia and OB come in if they were involved in the patient's care. We discuss complications and deaths. Even complications that were not the result of our department, but caused by nursing or cardiology are discussed because it involves our patient.

Traditionally, the chief resident for each service writes up and prepares to speak about each complication for his/her service for that week. (There are certain services like burns or cardiothoracic surgery that are run by a junior resident, and in those cases a junior will present.) There are certain services that have something to present every week, like trauma, general surgery, and vascular surgery. I'm on the vascular surgery service, so I'm up there almost every week.

While presenting, the faculty can ask you any question about the patient and their disease process. And if they get off on a tangent, they can ask you some question not related to your patient. I try to anticipate what their questions might be, so I can look it up the night before and have the answer at the ready. But there are times when I simply cannot anticipate the randomness of their question and have no clue what the answer is. It happens to every chief at some point, but it's very uncomfortable to be standing in a room full of surgeons and only be able to say, "Actually, I don't know."

This morning, just before I was called up, one of the junior residents, whom I also consider to be a good friend, asked me some questions:

"So how do you do it? Get up there every week?"

I shrug. "I don't know. I guess you just get used to it."

She shakes her head no.

"Sure," I reply. "Like desensitization therapy for a fear of flying. Just keep doing it until it doesn't bother you that much anymore."

"But I would never get used to explosive diarrhea. And this is very much like explosive diarrhea."

"That may be true, but if you have explosive diarrhea enough, you can recognize when it's coming, figure out what to wear, and the best way to clean up the mess afterwards."

She thought that was pretty funny. Now that I've typed it out, it just seems gross. But that's pretty much how we talk. She's right, though. It is like explosive diarrhea. And then she got up and presented her death. She did a very good job and did not explode.