My Thoughtful Spot

a universal truth?

Yesterday was Palm Sunday in Christian churches yesterday, which starts Holy Week; the last and final week before Easter. I've always marveled at the events celebrated in the Mass. We start by singing Hosannas and carrying palms, which remind us of the enthusiastic welcome Jesus received as he came into Jerusalem. Just a short time later, still clutching our palm fronds, we read the Passion of Christ: the events leading up to and including His death.

As we hold the fronds that we just used to praise and welcome Him, we are, as a congregation reading the part of the Jews before Pilate, asking for Him to be crucified. Because, really, we are that fickle. Remembering this year after year is always humbling.

Another thing struck me as I listened to the sermon. The Father Deacon who was speaking said that, during our spiritual journey with Jesus this Holy Week, will be preparing to die on the cross with Him, because that is the only way to get closer to our true selves and allow us to more fully celebrate the Resurrection at Easter.

This is not a new concept to my ears. I have heard it many times over the years in church and religious education. But this year I heard it with new ears because I've heard it in another, seemingly very different setting -- in the Bikram yoga studio. The idea I heard expressed there is that your "self" must die so you can realize your full Self and that is best done with a consistent yoga practice.

For a long time, I've believed that if a concept is found in more than one religion (i.e., Christianity and Buddhism) or two different schools of thinking, it is very likely a universal truth that we should pay attention to. Good to know that by practicing yoga I can improve my faith... and vice versa.

Bikram slump

Many of you may remember that I completed 101 Bikram yoga classes in 101 days. This was, in fact, my first experience with Bikram yoga and it was great. Shortly after the challenge was over, I needed to travel to a place that didn't have a Bikram yoga studio and I took two days off. And promptly got really sick. Like two weeks of sniffling, head full of snot mess. And when you can't breathe through your nose, Bikram yoga is kinda out of the question.

When I finally got better, I knew that getting back to it would be hard. I knew I would have lost a lot of stamina and that the first 1-3 classes would be really hard. But I really didn't anticipate how hard getting back would be. I mean I lost a LOT of stamina. Basic things I just can't do any more. I need to take a lot of breaks. I'm getting dizzier now than I ever have before.

And it's all really frustrating and discouraging. I'm not sure if I'm working out some toxins or what. But it's really bumming me out that I can't do what I just did not too long ago. As I direct my focus forward towards the mirror, more often than not, I really don't like what's looking back at me. Not what's inside, but the body that houses it. Sometimes I get so upset, it makes me want to cry. It's kind of making me hate my body (more), which is the exact opposite of what yoga is supposed to do. I'm in a rut and I don't know how to get out of it.

weights?

For the first time in over three months, I stepped into the weight room at my club. That is the longest time I'd been away from weights in years. Maybe even a decade. Even during residency, the longest I'd miss was about a month. But that month was filled with work and sleepless nights, not Bikram yoga.

I started with a little cardio warm up and decided to give running a try just to see how far into 20 minutes I could get. Thanks to my right calf cramping like crazy, it was about 7 minutes. I was delighted that it wasn't because I couldn't handle the running from a cardiovascular standpoint. So I stretched a bit and finished the warm-up on the elliptical. Also weird was that for about 2 minutes, without even thinking about it, I breathed in and out through my nose. Like in yoga. Runners don't breathe in and out through their noses. They're mouth breathers. Like I used to be.

Then to the weight room. I planned the order in which I would work different muscle groups, as I always do. Biceps, back, chest, legs, shoulders, triceps. I was greeted by a trainer and another person who both said they hadn't seen me in a while. As I started the work, I was shocked by how little strength I had lost. Almost none, actually. In some cases, I was stronger.

• I started with the same weight for curls as I had left off with. But it was a bit light and I should have probably increased the weight.
• My back is amazingly strong now and I lifted more than when I was last there.
• Shoulders were about the same.

The only area I noticed a loss of strength was in the chest. (If I squeezed my elbows together more in the opening breathing sequence and in hands to feet pose, I'm sure I would have been stronger.) I did as many push-ups as I could plus two other exercises.

As I left the club (not completely drained, significantly drier, and a littly chilly), I had to smile. Sure my body had learned to breathe through my nose for a while. By my mind still had expectations. Expectations that I would be weaker than before. (Sure, I'm a little sore, but it's not that bad today.) I'm not supposed to have expectations, I'm supposed to try my best and let what happens happen with the body I have today.

I suspect the training of my mind will take a lot longer than 101 days.

bikram times 101

I wasn't sure if I could make it to this day, but I did. 101 Bikram yoga classes in 101 days.

When I look back at day one, I really have made so much progress. Not just in the poses, but in my outlook on life and how intimately we are all connected whether we want to admit it or not. As my instructor and fellow classmates congratulated me on reaching my milestone this morning, I got to thinking. I couldn't have gotten here without all of them.

The teachers at my studio are amazing. They knew when to push me (even when I didn't want to be pushed); when I had a little more I could give. They could tell when I just didn't have anything left and said encouraging words between the dialog, acknowledging that a difficult practice is part of yoga and there was nothing to be sorry for or disappointed in. They helped me improve my form.

I definitely couldn't have come this far without the energy from every person that has been in every class. As we stare intently in the mirror for our "90 minute eyes-open meditation" we are aware of the other people in the room. We all contribute our energy to the room and help support and encourage each other silently. Some days we give more, some days we take more.

As I mentioned a few weeks ago, I went on vacation. I wasn't sure if I would be able to reach my goal of 101 days with an 8 day vacation placed towards the end. So to prepare for my vacation, I did several doubles. Four, to be exact. One for each day of traveling and two others for the days I just wanted to sleep in a bit. Even still I made it to yoga in Orlando. So when I got back, I was able to complete the remaining days and get to my goal.

From day 61-101, I had my worst class. I wasn't able to go in the morning at 6AM like I usually do, so I planned on hitting the 4:30PM. Unbeknownst to me, there was going to be a visiting teacher that has a pretty large local following. I set my mat up in the second (out of four) rows, because that is usually where I feel my ability gives me access. (Not quite up to the front row, even after 101 classes.) But in this class? There were all kinds of advanced people. It was packed. I was dehydrated. It was super hot and super humid. I got so intimidated, frustrated, and embarrassed that I couldn't do better that I started crying. In the middle of the standing series. I can't remember exactly when, but I had to sit out like 2/3 of the class. I was mortified. But that's the journey, I guess.

About this crying thing. It started for me around day 50 and continued intermittently until around day 70. I'm not sure why it happens, but apparently it happens pretty regularly. In fact, it's a recognized part of a long challenge. I was talking to a girl at the studio who is around day 45 and I mentioned the crying and the emotional release; I think she was glad I did, because she has started feeling it, too. In fact, she couldn't even talk about it without becoming emotional right then. Which is exactly what happened to me. But I got through it, got out what needed to leave and the days after have been pretty good.

I also had to do a triple. The day after my worst class, I felt horrible. I didn't want to go back. So I didn't. And I skipped the day after that, too. I figured that was it. My streak was over. But the following day, I woke up with renewed determination. I get this far and just give up? For no good reason? I couldn't even say I got sick. So that day I planned ahead and made up for it. There's your triple.

Many people might think it's pretty crazy that I started out my Bikram yoga practice with 101 day challenge. I had never set foot inside a Bikram studio until 101 days ago. I certainly didn't plan it that way. It all started with a 30 day challenge. Then I "let go" and it took on a life of it's own and carried me along with it.

I'm not sure when I'll next be able to do another 101 day challenge. The stars all seemed to align for me to be able to complete this. My schedule cooperated. I didn't get sick. And so on. I do know this: I will do one again. Every challenge, whether it's 30, 60, 90, or 101 days, is different. And I'm excited to see how they will differ and how I will grow in my practice and as a person.

Now here's the big question: Will I go tomorrow?

Drive-in totals, day 61-101:
Doubles completed: 5 (I think)
Triples completed: 1
Studios visited: 2
Used as an example in class: 1
Newbies told to watch me during their first class: about 8-10
Zico consumed: lots
Terrible classes: 5?

yoga rockstar

If there is one thing I've learned in 75 days of yoga, it's that you never know what the hell is going to happen when you walk into that steamy room and lay your mat down. You may think you're going to have a kick ass class because you feel so great but then you have no balance, lose breath control and focus and are a complete mess. Or you think you feel bad and you go in and just rock it.

Letting go of my expectations has been one of the hardest things for me to learn. We all have expectations, even if they are not great ones. Expectations about how our day is going to go, what our dinner will taste like based upon the ingredients, or how our clothes fit based upon how they fit the last time we wore them. We expect things all the time.

I know I used to expect things from my workouts in the past. Knowing that I could do this many push ups two days ago, means that I should be able to do at least that many today. Or that I can do a step challenge class that I've been going to for a while. And this is what has been getting in my head with yoga.

"You've done this pose before. Well. So why isn't it working today? What is the matter with you?" I would scream at myself silently during the class.

Then I get frustrated. And distracted. And unfocused. And the rest of the class goes to shit.

So today, I walked in to class, trying to make sure that whatever happened, happened and to just go with it. So much easier said than done; I've been trying to get into this frame of mind for weeks.

Today, it worked. One pose flowed into the next, with me completely forgetting about what I had just done or what was to come and just doing in the moment. It felt great. I felt great. And it must have showed because the teacher stopped the class and had everyone watch me as I demonstrated a pose and she pointed things out. I don't mean to brag; my true nature is actually pretty humble and I've been told that I often sell myself short.

The real challenge will be tomorrow's class. Letting go of what I was able to accomplish today and letting tomorrow just... be.

fashion fridays: yoga clothes

Yeah. I'm here. Hi. I completely got caught up in the holidays; from Christmas to New Year's and beyond. So the first part of my blog sojourn was due to celebrations and fun and a bit of hibernation from the electronic world. A much needed break. The second part of my departure comes every January and is somewhat depression-induced. Not that I'm depressed, but I always get the blues after the holidays and lost all motivation to return to the blogosphere.

I'm largely over it, and ready to jump back into it with fashion fridays. I'll get to the Christmas and New Year's recaps, even if everyone is tried about hearing about everyone else's holidays. I'm just taking my turn a little later!

So the reward for completing the studio-wide 30 day Bikram challenge in November was a 40% pass for all regular priced merchandise at Lululemon. But the pass wasn't idefinite; it needed to be used by December 31st, or lost forever. Which was a little silly, considering that people are usually buying presents and hosting parties/dinners and spending more than usual already. There is definitely not extra money in the budget for yoga clothes.

Once the holidays were over, I discussed it with Daniel and 40% off was just too good to pass up, so I did go and get a few things on the last day possible. It was the day after I had completed 60 yoga classes in 60 days, so it was a great reward as well.

A bit of background: the choice of clothes (or lack thereof) in a 110 degree room is very personal. Many people choose to wear very little: bra top and short shorts, bra top and mid-thigh shorts, bra top and form fitting cropped pants. Not me. I wear a tank that covers my midsection and PANTS. Loose fitting pants. I just don't enjoy looking at my cellulite in the mirror for 90 minutes. It's discouraging, you know?

I had been to the lululemon website before heading into the store and was not optimistic, especially regarding the tops I had to choose from. Even if I wanted to show my mid-section, I have never been able to find a fully supportive sports bra that fits me. I'm relatively narrow around with lots to fill cups with. My sports bras usually consist of underwire and 4 hooks ordered from a specialty store. Their bras were nice and I tried them on, but it was a no-go. I got two tank tops to wear over my armor.

On to pants. These pants fit, but they didn't leave much to the imagination. I wanted to go up a size (I don't care about that; it's just a number) to get more room through the butt and thighs. But the girl said they weren't supposed to fit that way and wouldn't provide the support they were designed to give. FINE. The cool thing is that they had free hemming and the pants can be turned inside out if you want all black.

 

Then I picked out a pair of relaxed fit cropped pants. These are more my speed. I like the crop to fall a little lower so as to not emphasize my calves, which are the envy of all drag queens. But they're comfy and I like the way they fit the butt and thighs, so I got them.

I wanted to get a warm up jacket so I could retire my Eyore sweatshirt I've been wearing to and from the gym for years, but they were pretty pricy (like everything else) so that'll have to wait.

What are your preferences regarding workout clothes? Any practical restrictions like my bra situation?

bikram challenge: day 60

Well, boys and girls, I made it. 60 Bikram yoga classes in 60 days. The second set of thirty days was very different from my first thirty, but I learned just as much. In a way, this month was more challenging than month one. It was the holidays, I wasn't eating as well as I ought to, and I could see how that affected my practice. But just recognizing that is important. Here are some highlights from day 31-60:

• One morning, I was headed to the studio for my usual 6:00am class. But the lights were off. No cars in the parking lot. But the clock said 5:50. Something was very wrong. A sign on the door stated that the studio would be closed for the next two days because the furnace broke. OMG. I started to panic. I knew of another studio closer to my work that had a 6:30 class, but I didn't know where it was or even what the name of it was. I called 411, who brilliantly figured out the name, called them, got directions, and made it. Whew. That was close.
• I visited my family in northern California one weekend and managed to go to two classes at a studio there. It's always more challenging for me to work out when I'm around family; there's usually a lot of eating and drinking going on. A lot. But I went anyway and felt great.
• Toward the end of the month, I became pretty weepy in class. I felt so silly about it, but I've read about so many other people having similar experiences. It starts when I'm having a hard time doing something I can usually do. Then I get frustrated. Then I start thinking about all the other things I'm frustrated about in my real life and think about how sad I was that the holidays were ending. And there ya go. Quivering chin, tears mingled with sweat. Better out than in, right?
• I'm becoming more in tune with my body. More specifically, I'm learning that I am very sensitive to alcohol. If I have a glass or two of wine the night before a class, the next morning I pay for it dearly. That's not a bad thing, but it's hard during the holidays. And I do like a good glass of wine...
• I noticed that I'm quite the mouth breather in class. Which is completely wrong. Except for beginning and ending exercises, you're supposed to breathe calmly through your nose. Easier said than done, let me tell you. Especially when I've spent so many years doing other forms of exercise where you do breathe through your mouth: running, step, weight lifting, even other forms of yoga. I still struggle a lot with this one.
• I did my first back to back double on Christmas Eve. Had to; they were closed on Christmas Day. The second class was pretty tough, but I made it. I took breaks during triangle (still hate that one) and something else, but made it through.
• I used a double that I had "banked" from November for December 26th. I know it's not really in the spirit of doing a challenge where you go every single day, but I needed the rest after the holidays and we were going to Disneyland that day. And I had one in the bank!

number of classes = 30
times cried = 3
zico consumed = 30+
studios visited = 4

Next stop... 90?

bikram addict

Hi, I'm Nichole and I'm a Bikram yoga addict.

On November 30th, I finished a 30-day Bikram yoga challenge. I really, really enjoyed it, despite some of the struggles I experienced from a mild viral illness and eating too much at Thanksgiving. Several bloggers, who also do hot yoga, are starting a 101 day challenge on January 1st, which you can follow here. I immediately knew that I wanted to do it, but would be unable because Daniel and I will be going on a long-overdue vacation at the end of January. And after waiting so long for a vacation, there is no way I could ask him to move it.

So after I finished the 30 days and didn't feel completely decimated, I thought to myself, "Why stop?" So I haven't. At that point, yoga had become a habit. Like brushing my teeth. And with 30 days under my belt already, maybe I could do a 60 or 90 day challenge outside of that blogging community. I had big plans to go to the gym a couple of times a week and still will once my x-number-of-days challenge is done. The weights will always be there, but this many consecutive days of yoga may not be. So we'll see what happens and how long I can go.

Today's practice made day 39 (well, 40 actually, since I have a banked double from early November). I'm not making super huge strides like I did during the first 30 days, but that's probably because my eating has been crap. So that's going to change. (Yes, another re-commitment to good eating.) Once I do that, I'm sure I'll get my balance back. I've committed to yoga, which was apparently the easy part. Committing to eating well is harder. But I can will do that, too.

So there's my fitness secret. I've come out of the yoga closet!

30 day bikram challenge: day 30

Here we are. Day 30. I made it. Noob to Bikram 30 days ago, now my practice is coming along nicely. I'm still a beginner in the grand scheme of things, but I have progressed so much is a relatively short amount of time.

There was so much energy in the room today as many of us completed the challenge and I think it really helped my practice. Even though my left shoulder is still bugging me, I barely even felt it. To be more accurate, it's my left trapezius muscle. The one that tenses up when you're stressed. Yeah. That one.

I've documented every day of my practice for the last 30 days; a big thanks to all of you who have followed along. When I sit here, trying to think of all the things I've accomplished, it's really amazing.

• More often than not, I can kick my leg out in standing head to knee pose. It took me about 10 days to get to that point.
• I remember during camel pose, one of the teachers encouraged us to look back at the towel on our mats. I laughed internally. Yeah, right. I was barely able to grab my heels, let alone look anywhere lower than the back wall. Miraculously, I have been able to see my towel behind me for at least a week. Next stop... toes!
• When I first started doing locust pose, my elbows hurt for a week and I got a bruise on my left forearm from my hip bone digging into my forearm. My elbows are still sore right after the pose, but they feel much better during the day. I may be getting the idea of how to shift my weight forward onto my upper back to get my legs higher in the air. Either way, I still hate this one.
• Cobra pose used to be kind of sad. I was barely able to get my boobs off the floor, let alone my rib cage. Now, my back is strong enough to get me to my bellybutton most days.
• Speaking of poses I hate, triangle is another one. But, for the first time since I've been using the right form, I was able to stay in the posture for the full time for both sets. That's a far ways from where I started!
• Before I began taking Bikram yoga, I had done standing bow pulling poses in other yoga classes. But never like this. Never holding for 60 seconds each leg, and then again for 30 seconds each leg. I still can't hold for the full 60 seconds, but am close on getting to holding the pose for the 30 seconds, with my foot visible over the midline of my head.
• My current favorite is toe stand. It requires an amazing amount of concentration, which is sometimes hard for me to do after all the standing poses (it's at the end of the standing series). It also requires a lot of lower body strength; once you've got your balance, you lift your butt off your heel for a few inches and just hover there. I can consistently do this last part on my right side; still working on my left.
• A much harder benefit to measure is how I feel mentally throughout the day. I'm calmer. Not a ton calmer, but it's a change that I can feel. A change that will hopefully become more noticeable with a consistent practice.
• I don't know if I lost any weight because they don't have a scale there and I don't own one. But I did loose volume, as evidenced by the fact that I was able to fit into clothes again. After last week's extravaganza of eating (birthday followed by Thanksgiving), I believe I have taken some steps backwards. Soon to be remedied.

I am also acutely aware of what needs work in my practice. My breathing is still number one. It was an issue on my first day and continues to be an issue. I think it may be related to how well/poorly I have eaten the day before. I'll have to pay close attention (and actually eat well for a day or two) to figure this one out. I need to get stronger in my balance for standing head to knee. Most of the time I suck at that one and am constantly falling out. My toes won't safely wrap around my calf in eagle pose. I wonder when, if ever, this is going to happen. I'm sure there are hundreds of other things I need to work on, but those are the most egregious.

If it weren't December, I would commit here and now to a 60 day challenge; I truly feel that good. I may try, but I do need to get back to the weight room. I used to be able to do three sets of 12 military push ups. I wonder how much that's dwindled. Not to mention my triceps strength. Or shoulders. Oy. I plan on being there Wednesday. My desired work out schedule going forward is bikram 4-5 days/week and weight training 2 days/week.

I'm so grateful that I have been able to kick off my Bikram yoga practice with a 30 day challenge. A lot of stars need to align properly for people to finish it, given the busyness of life, illnesses like colds, and the cost of the whole thing. Our celebration reception is this Saturday, which is when we get our prizes. I used to be all about the prizes. But I already feel like I've gotten them.

Oh, and I'll be on my mat tomorrow morning.

30 day bikram challenge: day 29

I almost didn't go today. My shoulders, the left one in particular, is still recovering from the giant knot I got on Friday. It was a little chilly when we woke up at 5:30am to take Dawn to the airport and when we got home, I promptly curled up under a blanket and started reading. So it was really hard for me to climb out from under the kitty who had settled on my lap and head out to yoga. I had one in the bank, and by all means, could have skipped the day. But I knew there was no good reason for me to skip, other than I just didn't wanna. That's not what a challenge is about. So I went.

It was a very difficult practice pretty much from start to finish. My sweat still smelled like onions, but it lasted for a much shorter time than it had yesterday. My balance sucked. My breathing sucked and I started to breathe really fast. My mind wandered and I kept thinking ahead to what was next and how many poses we had left. I'm sure my body got something out of today's practice. I have to believe it, because then all that suffering would have been for nothing!

I have some errands to do this afternoon, but I have every intention to get to bed early tonight. Last day, coming up!