My Thoughtful Spot

let's DO this!

I really like this commercial. And some people are shocked that we high five each other...

movie mood

This is so cool! I wish I could figure out a way to make it fit into one of my sidebars, but it's too wide for it. At least I can post it here! For today's mood, go to "on edge," number 8. Oy. (p.s. If someone knows how to put in the sidebar, please let me know.

where to begin

My career. I'm not even sure where I should start. I could start at the very beginning, in which case it would be helpful if I had a time machine and I could tell myself not to begin this whole persuit of medicine and helping to heal others because it's not worth it.

At the end of last month (on vacation, actually) Daniel and I came to a realization. To be more precise, he already had the realization, I needed to catch up, did so, and then we came to a mutual understanding. My practice is going nowhere. Treading water. Sure it's not sucking any money out of our personal finances, but all my marketing efforts have yielded no increase in patients, resulting in me not bringing home any money in six months. This is a hobby. I could make more money working at Sephora.

This leaves two options: 1) If the hospital administration is very interested in seeing me as the new generation of surgeons here, they can step up and provide me with a base salary for a few years or 2) it's time to move on.

"Moving on" can mean so many things. Move to another hospital in the same area. Move to a place that is an hour or so away. Move hundreds of miles away. Move to another state. I'm considering the latter two. Not because I want to, but because I have to. There just are not any jobs for bread and butter general surgeons out here, the hospital recruited me prematurely and there isn't enough work. Southern California is blessed and cursed with so much: sunny days, beautiful people, traffic, smog, lots of hospitals and lots of doctors. So I need to go to where the work is.

Lots of people have to do this in their careers and I'm not spoiled enough to think that the perfect job will fall out of the sky into my lap exactly where I want it to be. But usually, when someone has to do a large move for a job, they get to go with their family. I, however, would not. Daniel was just made partner. And while he can do more remotely than he could when he was an associate, I would be naive if I thought he would be around for a majority of the time. It's just not realistic. Medicine doesn't lend itself to telecommuting, so I'd be relatively stuck.

Back when we were planning our lives, there was one important piece of information we overlooked. In order for Daniel to have a successful career, he needs to work in a metropolitan area. In order for me to have a successful career, I can't.

I have an interview this Friday in northern California that is one hour and 45 minutes away from the nearest airport. While it's not my first choice, it's my only interview so far. One of the other opportunities I'm hoping will work out has a small airport and is within 3 hours driving of home. Bonus here: it's about 40 minutes to my family. So when Daniel couldn't visit, I could potentially hang out with my family.

I don't know what is going to happen, but things are in motion. Sometimes I'm excited. Mostly I'm scared. But I'm trying to be brave.

weights?

For the first time in over three months, I stepped into the weight room at my club. That is the longest time I'd been away from weights in years. Maybe even a decade. Even during residency, the longest I'd miss was about a month. But that month was filled with work and sleepless nights, not Bikram yoga.

I started with a little cardio warm up and decided to give running a try just to see how far into 20 minutes I could get. Thanks to my right calf cramping like crazy, it was about 7 minutes. I was delighted that it wasn't because I couldn't handle the running from a cardiovascular standpoint. So I stretched a bit and finished the warm-up on the elliptical. Also weird was that for about 2 minutes, without even thinking about it, I breathed in and out through my nose. Like in yoga. Runners don't breathe in and out through their noses. They're mouth breathers. Like I used to be.

Then to the weight room. I planned the order in which I would work different muscle groups, as I always do. Biceps, back, chest, legs, shoulders, triceps. I was greeted by a trainer and another person who both said they hadn't seen me in a while. As I started the work, I was shocked by how little strength I had lost. Almost none, actually. In some cases, I was stronger.

• I started with the same weight for curls as I had left off with. But it was a bit light and I should have probably increased the weight.
• My back is amazingly strong now and I lifted more than when I was last there.
• Shoulders were about the same.

The only area I noticed a loss of strength was in the chest. (If I squeezed my elbows together more in the opening breathing sequence and in hands to feet pose, I'm sure I would have been stronger.) I did as many push-ups as I could plus two other exercises.

As I left the club (not completely drained, significantly drier, and a littly chilly), I had to smile. Sure my body had learned to breathe through my nose for a while. By my mind still had expectations. Expectations that I would be weaker than before. (Sure, I'm a little sore, but it's not that bad today.) I'm not supposed to have expectations, I'm supposed to try my best and let what happens happen with the body I have today.

I suspect the training of my mind will take a lot longer than 101 days.

bikram times 101

I wasn't sure if I could make it to this day, but I did. 101 Bikram yoga classes in 101 days.

When I look back at day one, I really have made so much progress. Not just in the poses, but in my outlook on life and how intimately we are all connected whether we want to admit it or not. As my instructor and fellow classmates congratulated me on reaching my milestone this morning, I got to thinking. I couldn't have gotten here without all of them.

The teachers at my studio are amazing. They knew when to push me (even when I didn't want to be pushed); when I had a little more I could give. They could tell when I just didn't have anything left and said encouraging words between the dialog, acknowledging that a difficult practice is part of yoga and there was nothing to be sorry for or disappointed in. They helped me improve my form.

I definitely couldn't have come this far without the energy from every person that has been in every class. As we stare intently in the mirror for our "90 minute eyes-open meditation" we are aware of the other people in the room. We all contribute our energy to the room and help support and encourage each other silently. Some days we give more, some days we take more.

As I mentioned a few weeks ago, I went on vacation. I wasn't sure if I would be able to reach my goal of 101 days with an 8 day vacation placed towards the end. So to prepare for my vacation, I did several doubles. Four, to be exact. One for each day of traveling and two others for the days I just wanted to sleep in a bit. Even still I made it to yoga in Orlando. So when I got back, I was able to complete the remaining days and get to my goal.

From day 61-101, I had my worst class. I wasn't able to go in the morning at 6AM like I usually do, so I planned on hitting the 4:30PM. Unbeknownst to me, there was going to be a visiting teacher that has a pretty large local following. I set my mat up in the second (out of four) rows, because that is usually where I feel my ability gives me access. (Not quite up to the front row, even after 101 classes.) But in this class? There were all kinds of advanced people. It was packed. I was dehydrated. It was super hot and super humid. I got so intimidated, frustrated, and embarrassed that I couldn't do better that I started crying. In the middle of the standing series. I can't remember exactly when, but I had to sit out like 2/3 of the class. I was mortified. But that's the journey, I guess.

About this crying thing. It started for me around day 50 and continued intermittently until around day 70. I'm not sure why it happens, but apparently it happens pretty regularly. In fact, it's a recognized part of a long challenge. I was talking to a girl at the studio who is around day 45 and I mentioned the crying and the emotional release; I think she was glad I did, because she has started feeling it, too. In fact, she couldn't even talk about it without becoming emotional right then. Which is exactly what happened to me. But I got through it, got out what needed to leave and the days after have been pretty good.

I also had to do a triple. The day after my worst class, I felt horrible. I didn't want to go back. So I didn't. And I skipped the day after that, too. I figured that was it. My streak was over. But the following day, I woke up with renewed determination. I get this far and just give up? For no good reason? I couldn't even say I got sick. So that day I planned ahead and made up for it. There's your triple.

Many people might think it's pretty crazy that I started out my Bikram yoga practice with 101 day challenge. I had never set foot inside a Bikram studio until 101 days ago. I certainly didn't plan it that way. It all started with a 30 day challenge. Then I "let go" and it took on a life of it's own and carried me along with it.

I'm not sure when I'll next be able to do another 101 day challenge. The stars all seemed to align for me to be able to complete this. My schedule cooperated. I didn't get sick. And so on. I do know this: I will do one again. Every challenge, whether it's 30, 60, 90, or 101 days, is different. And I'm excited to see how they will differ and how I will grow in my practice and as a person.

Now here's the big question: Will I go tomorrow?

Drive-in totals, day 61-101:
Doubles completed: 5 (I think)
Triples completed: 1
Studios visited: 2
Used as an example in class: 1
Newbies told to watch me during their first class: about 8-10
Zico consumed: lots
Terrible classes: 5?

celebrity look alike

Like much of the world I have a Facebook account. If you do and you're on there at least a little bit, you'll notice that different activities or questions get passed through that community. Most of them are silly (most of fb is silly anyway) but sometimes I like to play along just to make life a little more amusing.

The most recent "game" has been posing a celebrity look-alike as your profile picture. This is something I can easily do as I've been told I look like two celebrities pretty frequently. I think most of the time it has to do with the fact that my hair is reddish and I've got pale skin, so people make the connection.

The first celebrity I was compared with was Gillian Anderson, of "The X-Files" fame. Gosh, when that show was in it's hey-day I would hear that I look like her almost weekly.

See? We also both have very strong chins, which helps with the comparison. This is the photo on my profile now. One of my friends (who is a plastic surgeon) actually emailed me and said that I had a nice pic and that "I clean up pretty good." HA! I only wish it were me!

When I lived in Boston, one of my (many) jobs was working at a car rental counter at Logan. We got plenty of international tourists and one day these two Japanese young men rented a car from me. As soon as they entered the building, though, they saw me and started screaming "Scully! Scully!" I tried to assure them that I was not actually Gillian Anderson, but they could not be disuaded and insisted that they take their picture with me. First one then the other. So somewhere in Japan, these guys have a random photo of a Scully look-alike from their trip to the states.

"The X-Files" has been off the air for a long time and it's even been hard to find re-runs. So the "You look like so-and-so" declarations have dropped off for a long time. That is, until the show "Private Practice" has been around. Every once in a while, I hear that I look like "that doctor from 'Private Practce.'" That actress's name is Kate Walsh and I don't think I look like her as much as I do Gillian Anderson. But pale, red hair, etc.

To be honest, I take it as a huge compliment that I even remotely resemble either of these two completely stunning women.

Do you have a celeb look-alike? Put it on facebook!