My Thoughtful Spot

saboteur

Our older kitty, Athalia, is a very squeezy lap kitty. Whenever possible, she'll wiggle her way onto your lap, even if you've got books there and you're trying to study or eat or whatever. She prefers Daniel's lap to mine, but has also been known to crawl into a friend's lap if they visit.

This weekend Daniel is working from home on a brief that needs to be filed this week. So he sets up his laptop in the living room and works there. Nice and comfy. Indiana Jones marathon on in the background. Athalia tries to wiggle up there, naturally. No, Athalia. This is serious. Go away.

She does for a bit. Then re-analyzes the situation and finds another way to be cute and still get her way without ticking anyone off. And she still gets to sunbathe. Bonus.

recommit to hamsterness

Last spring, I started running as a regular part of my fitness routine. When I started, I despised it, but I was looking at a week of vacation and didn't want to pay a $15 daily fee for some crappy gym. So if I could run for... say... an hour, that would save at least $90, right?

After my vacation, I kept it up. I stopped sucking at it so much and actually started to look forward to my runs. I'd run 6 miles 2-4 times per week. Through discussions with people who have run marathons, they told me that if I wanted to run faster, I would have to run for a longer period of time at the original pace. So I got up to 10 miles, which I did once or twice a month through August. Then I started a really difficult rotation, and lost the ability to work out for extended periods of time. Which turned into the holidays, and then more difficult rotations.

I want to get back up to running 10 miles. Not because I want to train for anything like a half-marathon; I'm a hamster who runs on the treadmill with my own little tv tuned to Simpsons, What Not to Wear, or some good old movie on TCM. But because I've been able to do it in the past, I liked how I felt when I was able to do it, and I don't want to lose this ability as I get older.

One of the reasons I've not run so much recently isn't because of a lack of time, but because of a trainer who gave me a free session at the gym. I think she kind of threw me for a loop -- unintentionally, I'm sure. She took me to the roof to run on the track and told me that I could burn more fat that way. Which, when I think about it, is crap. I'll burn more fat if I burn 600 calories on the treadmill vs. 350 outside. While it's nice and peaceful up there, I don't really push myself. I just sort of jog along and when I get tired, I do 5-10 more minutes and then stop. The most I've run up there is 40 minutes, and it's no where near as fast as I go when I'm on the treadmill.

So screw the roof. I'm back to my tv watching. I'll keep an eye on my form and use the tips she gave me for running, but I have *got* to get back up. Why not just run 6-10 miles outside you ask? A couple of reasons: First, I'm paranoid of the sun. It causes wrinkles and cancer, in that order. Second, I'm also paranoid about jacking up my knees. Cement is very unforgiving on knees, and all the orthopaedic residents tell me that I'll need knee replacements if I run on cement. So that's out. It's either a track (outside) or the treadmill (inside). I'll head up to the roof occasionally, but the norm will be the hamster track.

Today's workout will be a 5-10 minute warm up of either stair master or jumping rope, back and biceps for strength training, and running. I ran a little more than 4 miles yesterday, so I think I'll go for 5 today.

arrrr, pucker up, matey

We went to the Angels game last night and watched them lose after a spectacular grand slam by some White Sox player in the 8th inning. Some friends were also going to the game yesterday and we wanted to meet up. They had reservations in the Knothole Club, which is exclusively for people who have Club level tickets. We slum it on the terrace level, so the door guy was having nothing of it.

By the time they got seated, it was at a table for six and their party was only four. My friend, ever the smooth talker, convinced the door guy to let us in anyway. After all, we would only spend money, right? So we headed up after the first. The Knothole Club is on the one level higher than our home base, just to the outfield side of the foul pole. It was very neat having a different perspective of the game, even when it means not being as close.

One of the between-inning entertainment bits is the "kiss cam," which I think is pretty standard at baseball stadiums everywhere. They usually focus on a cute couple, wait for them to kiss, and add some kissing sound effects before moving onto the next victims... I mean couple. Towards the end of the little show was what looked like a standard couple. Cute brunette, some dude in an Angels hat. She turned to her partner to kiss him, and her entire eye was covered with a huge bandage. All 37,000 fans in attendance gasped audibly... and then started laughing. Poor thing. I hope she's not scarred for life; externally or internally.

parole is approaching

I have 22 days left of being a resident. And only now am I fully understanding the level of sacrifice five years of residency plus four years of medical school has demanded from my family.

So now it's time for the world to stop revolving around me. It's time for life to be normal. It's time for me to stop bringing drama into everyone's lives. It's time for me to fill the simple roles of a daughter... a sister... a wife. And to fill those roles without people having to use an adjective beforehand that will help people understand why I'm not fulfilling those roles.

whitsunday

Every good Catholic knows that there are three persons in one God; the Trinity. This past Sunday was Pentecost, during which we remember Jesus' promise to not leave us alone in this world. He would send us the Holy Spirit to comfort us. Pentecost is also commonly called Whitsunday because, after Easter, it was the Sunday that saw the most baptisms occur, for which the liturgical color is white.

The Trinity is a difficult concept to grasp. 1 + 1 + 1 = 3. Except here, where it equals one. Add to that the mysterious nature of the Holy Spirit, and, for lack of understanding perhaps, He likely gets neglected... forgotten. We often pray to the Father or the Son independently. But I have rarely heard of someone praying to the Holy Spirit.

It is relatively easy for us to picture God the Father; everyone has one. Even if that person is not the idyllic father we've seen on tv or read in books, there are examples of good fathers everywhere. Putting God into that role is not a big stretch. Jesus? Artists throughout the ages have given us millions of images from which we can choose. Again, even if they aren't accurate, we can "see" Him; have a face to meditate on when we pray. The Holy Spirit is much more challenging to envision. Like the wind, it cannot be seen with our eyes. It can be felt by blowing a tuft of hair, moving the leaves on the trees, or carrying a delicate fragrance.

Even though He is invisible, He does so much for us. Guides us. Gives us our faith. Sanctifies our souls. We believe that, at Confirmation, we fully receive all the gifts of the Holy Spirit. We may have had some or all of them before Confirmation, but receipt of this sacrament matures each gift.

• Wisdom. This gift perfects a person's speculative reason in matters of judgement about the truth. In other words, it helps us love more dearly things that are of heaven.
• Knowledge. This perfects a person's practical reason -- using reason to decide how to act and to discover the will of God in all things in our path to heaven.
• Right Judgement (Counsel). This perfects a person's practical reason in apprehension of the truth and allows the person to respond appropriately. It helps us choose things that will glory God and help our own salvation.
• Courage (Fortitude). This gives a person the firmness of mind that is required in both doing good and enduring evil, especially when it is difficult.
• Understanding (Common Sense). Perfects a person's speculative reason whereby self-evident principes become known. I like to think of this one as like a veil being lifted from your eyes, when necessary, to grasp the mysteries of religion.
• Piety. At the Holy Spirit's instigation, we worship and pray to God as our Father and gives us delight in doing so.
• Wonder and Awe in God (Fear of the Lord). This gift is what makes us afraid to be separated from God, like a child not wanting to disappoint his father.

St. Thomas Aquinas taught that the first four gifts direct out intellect, while the last three direct our wills toward God. These gifts are similar to virtues but emanate from different sources; virtues are controlled by the impetus of human reasoning but the gifts are exercised when the Holy Spirit wishes. In a boat, we control the oars, but the Holy Spirit controls the sails. Before the Holy Spirit descended on the Apostles, they were too afraid to leave their small room in which they had been hiding for fear of prosecution as followers of Jesus. Afterward, they ventured out into the streets, teaching others about the works of Jesus. They had received the gifts of the Holy Spirit that enabled them to do that.

The one sin that shall not be pardoned, Jesus tells us, is blasphemy agains the Holy Spirit. What is distressing about this is that the Church's doctors have three theories as to what this could be. (I would hope that something so grave would be very clearly spelled out.) At the core of all three possible explanations is the malicious rejection of the impulses and inspirations of the Holy Spirit to turn us away from evil.

The Holy Spirit is also at the center of many classic heresies surrounding the Trinity and the division of the Eastern and Western Churches. There are too many heresies to discuss here, so I'll discuss the filioque... the one word that has kept the Church divided for centuries. The word and its insertion into the Nicene Creed states that the Holy Spirit comes forth from the Father and the Son. Before insertion of this word, it was believed that He came just from the Father. The addition of this word to the Creed occurred outside of a Counsel, where bishops from all over the Church gathered to discuss matters such as these. For this reason, the Eastern Church blames the Western for the insertion and therefore the division of the one true Church.

So it's almost no wonder that the Holy Spirit is neglected by us. Centuries-old difficulties in comprehension of It's true nature, difficulty grasping the gifts He bestows, and the ancient controversial insertion of one word into a Creed regarding His origination makes it easy for us to concentrate on other things. And as the liturgical year goes on, I do. But my sails are righted at least once a year... on Whitsunday.

the disneyland game

Purpose: To pass the time while standing in line, taking a break, or eating a meal.

Location: Any venue that has large numbers of people walking around, like amusement park, state fair, carnival, zoo, etc.

Inventor: Our friend Gabi, who loves Disney and has since moved away to the Pacific Northwest. The original point categories have been slightly modified to adapt to crowd patterns noticed over time.

Rules: Each member of your party plays individually. You accrue points based on sightings, all of which must be confirmed by another member of your group. Game can be suspended for the following reasons: on a ride, want to enjoy company of group members instead of scanning the crowds like a CIA agent, someone splitting from the group alone and therefore unable to accrue points (i.e., going to the bathroom). Game play is suspended by calling "Game off" and re-activated by yelling "Game on!" Point accrual begins when you are on property (i.e., in the parking garage) and assembled as a group. Play ends when everyone is back in their cars or the group breaks up to return to their vehicles.

Point value assignments:
kid in costume: 1 point
kid on leash: 2 points
kid with wheely shoes: 2 points
a group of people all wearing the same screen T that was made specifically for their visit to said venue: 2 points per group
twins: 3 points

How to win the game: Using your keen skills of observation, rack up points. S/He with the most points at the end of the day wins!

good day

"There's this person in my head. She is brilliant, capable. She can do chest tubes and craniotomies. She can run a code without freaking out. She's a really good surgeon. Maybe even a great surgeon. She's me... only so much better.

It was a good day. Maybe even a great day. I was a good doctor. Even when it was hard. I was the me in my head. There was a moment when I thought, 'I can't do this. I can't do this alone.' But I closed my eyes and imagined myself doing it. And I did. I blocked out the fear and I did it."

--Meredith Gray, from Grey's Anatomy

backyard dreams

The summer collection from Pottery Barn arrived in the mail today. Leafing through it's pages, I found myself experiencing a strong urge to buy a home with a big backyard. Not to be a home owner or move into one of the final stages of adulthood. No, I wanted to buy a house so I could put Pottery Barn stuff in the backyard. I would also order some of the views in the backyard, if I could...

brain fried

I was on call last night and didn't sleep much. It could have been worse (it can always be worse), but I only got about 3 hours. And since I was on call over the weekend, I had slated this afternoon for doing some errands that I should have gotten done this weekend but was on-call. And that was worse, so Sunday afternoon was scratched as well.

One of the things on my very important to do list was to get a pedicure. Yeah, yeah, big necessity. But seriously, I stand all day. I have got to take care of my feet. I don't want hag feet by the time I reach the tender age of 35. Because Lord knows I'm going to have hag hands -- I've got to protect something.

The problem of me being sleep deprived when I run errands is that I can't make a freaking decision. I make them all the time, but when I'm coming of a night of work, I can't make a call. About anything. Not a good place to be in when you have to pick a color from about 300 different bottles of nail polish. That took me about 10 minutes. I was still unhappy with my decision when I sat down in the chair and proceeded to have a discussion with the little Vietnamese girl about the color. We talked about a paler color, but she said she liked the one that I picked because it would go well with my skin tone. She was right.

Then she asked me if I wanted a flower. Only $5. At first I said no. Then I started thinking. Why the hell not? I'm not going to be able to pull off flowers on my toes when I'm old and haggy, so I'd better enjoy it now. So I told her I did want a flower. She giggled.

If any of you have ever been to one of those all Vietnamese nail salons, this youtube clip is a must. Hilarious. Because you know they talk about you.

seared onto my brain like it's been branded

All of the tv's in the hospital are connected to the same set of channels. It's like an expanded basic cable. No premium channels. No way. Sh*t, even the vets get HBO at the VA. Some of the cable channels include AMC and TCM, which I usually end up watching, ESPN, Discovery, ABC Family, and several Spanish stations.

In the middle of all these are the Newborn Channels; one in English and one in Spanish. These are sort of like public service announcements that are made by the hospital for the patients who have just given birth and talk about things like car seat safety and how to give a baby a bath. Good idea, no?

I was flipping around, looking desparately for something decent to watch, when I came onto the Newborn Channel. Right there, magnified, in the middle of the screen, was a mom who had just given birth to twins and had one hanging off each boob. I usually think it's a very beautiful thing. Furthermore, I completely support breastfeeding when at all possible because it's better for the baby's immune system. But that was not an image I was prepared to see when I was looking for South Park or Family Guy reruns. And now when I close my eyes, I see a giant boob with a baby on it. I would try to take a picture of it with my phone the next time the loop of programming starts again, but now I'm afraid of what else I might see.

I think my ovaries are hiding behind my pancreas now.